Whining in the North

On Christmas Eve I woke up to 12 inches of snow. Then just to add to the mix, I step out my door and stared at a number of huge piles of snow not really knowing which one contained my truck. It wasn’t that I had forgotten where I parked the night before, just the landscape had changed. I started brushing off the snow and chipping away at the ice hoping my car door wasn’t frozen

Occasionally, a pile of snow would whine a few times and then roar to life as a car engine deep within would start. Apparently, remote starters are all the rage up North! I looked around and notice people watching me out the window, remote starter in one hand a hot cup of coffee in the other. I seem to be the entertainment that morning and the show was just getting started.

I, like Travis, religiously defend my ability as a good driver. It was tested today and shattered with my inability to get out of a parking spot. YES, I could not get out of the parking SPOT!

I tried to back out and would drifted to the left. I adjusted the steering try again and drifted to the right. I would periodically jump out, shovel frantically at snow around the tires, jump back in and repeat the process. This went on for some time before I began to noticed more spectators at the windows, sipping their hot coffee and smiling. I swear to God, the Today Show’s rates dropped that morning.

After awhile, I was beginning to accept the inevitable when a mother herding her three kids appeared and began brushing off the snow on their mini-van in front of me. She must have been watching for some time because she came over and informed me her husband and two older boys (must be Catholic with 5 kids) would be out shortly to help. Then piled the kids in her van, backup and drove away like the roads were clear.

Shortly afterward, the promised helpers showed up and I was free of my icy parking spot. I thanked the snickering helpers and headed off to the local hardware store to purchase, ready for this, SAND! I was told to put some weight in the back of my truck so I purchased two 100lb sacks of sand, imported from Puerto Rico and bagged in St. Paul, MN. Now anytime I feel the need to go to the tropics, I will just warm up my truck, mix a margarita, slip into my shorts and relax on the sand in the back of my truck. There is something just not right up North!

Christmas is Here

Last week, I had lunch with a local TV News reporter who has a lot of media contacts in town. She brought her 2 year old daughter along with the intention of getting some photos with Santa at the mall.

It was a productive lunch because she was able to point me in a few different directions in my quest for work. But her daughter kept staring at me. At first I figured she wondered who this strange person was seated next to her. But the stares continued for the duration of the lunch. Occasionally the child would awkwardly offer me a French fry or a mini hot dog. I would graciously accept the partially eaten morsel   of food which would generate a squeal and kicking of her little legs. I had to admit, well, she had me after the second happy yelp.

The lunch continued this way for the next 45 minutes. The large wide eye stare, the nervous offerings and the squeals of delight, sprinkle in between a few job leads and career suggestions. It was one of the oddest lunches I have ever attended. But the oddest part came later that day when the mother called. She apologized for her youngster and said I made the her daughter’s day. At the daycare center that afternoon, she bragged to her classmates that she knew Santa and had lunch with him that afternoon. The fact she had her picture taken with Santa was never mentioned! Damn, I really do need to trim my beard.

Yesterday morning I woke up to -9 degrees with a wind chill making it feel like -25. It was time to get some thermal underwear. So I put on my heaviest t-shirts, several pairs of pants and started toward the nearest Target. On the way I discovered another incentive to get warmer clothing, my Explorer wasn’t pumping out any heat! Yep, my thermostat is out according to my brother-in-law. Considering the Minnesota weather, I have no idea when it went out. So as I drive around this week I will be behind the wheel wearing both pairs of the thermal underwear I purchased and my brand new hooded down coat. I will have so much clothing on that if I get broadsided by another vehicle, I won’t even know it! Hell I don’t even have to put my gloved hands on the steering wheel, just lean in the direction I want to turn.

I took a chance and walked on the iced over lake yesterday, dressed in my new winter wear. I fought back the panic and strutted out there like I knew what I was doing. I looked fearless then, I heard the cracking sound of ice. Suddenly my crotch got warmer and I was on talking terms with God.

I must have looked like a cartoon character as my legs blurred into circles in my efforts to get to the nearest ground. I moved, but not where I wanted to go. I landed face first on the ice and heard the ice crack again! This was it! I was going to die in at oversized frozen margarita. IF WASN’T FAIR!

Then several amused ice skaters glided over and pushed my curled up form off the frozen lake. There I tried to regain some pride and mumbled something about a twisted ankle. They all giggled in agreement and skated away without a hint of fear.   Behind them a snowmobile shot across the ice as if to dare me to try again.

I have determined to try again. Next week, after there has been another week of sub-zero temperatures.   Maybe………………..

(Side Note: I was told that the sound of cracking ice is normal. That can be heard all season long and some people find it relaxing. SOME people………….)

I have included a photo for the frozen tundra for your pleasure. It should end up on flickr.com when I get a chance to touch it up.


Have a Merry Christmas everyone.

Winter Supplies

It started as one or two falling flakes here and there. I really didn’t notice until one landed on my nose, perch there momentarily to get my attention then disappeared. The introduction was brief but the visit promised to be lengthy. IT WAS SNOWING!

“Oh, God, what shall I do? I’ve got to get supplies. Yes, that is it, I have to get supplies. Try and remain calm and head to the store and get bread and milk.”   I told myself.

The man ringing a bell for attention, steadied his red bucket as I rush past through the door. The girl behind the counter with a look of boredom watched as I skidded past the register. I caught my breath and took a quick look around. THERE WAS NO BREAD OR MILK ANY WHERE! I was doomed. I will be a starving icicle by the end of the evening. What insane reasoning made me move to Minnesota?

“Can I help you find something?”ask the cheerful clerk in the ill-fitting red shirt.

“Do you have any bread? Milk? Something? ANYTHING?” I said quickly as I turned to him resisting the urge to grab his shoulders.

His smile was replaced by a nervous grin as he glanced around fearfully looking for assistance. “Sir, you are in Ace Hardware. Cub Foods is next door and may have what you are looking for.” He then spotted an out, spun around to face a rational shopper, reattached his smile and voiced his willingness to help.

With considerably less flare, I slipped passed the bored cashier and left the store. Then started running across the parking lot. Passing my car I noticed snow had collected on my windshield and increased my speed toward Cub Foods.

As I pushed through the automatic doors, snatch a shopping cart and weaved around slower shoppers, I started to noticing things. There wasn’t anxious crowds at the checkouts. Shoppers didn’t have expressions of fear, agitation and panic. Some shoppers didn’t even have bread or milk in their carts!

I rounded the corner and squealed in delight at all the bread along the aisle. There was white bread, wheat bread, Italian bread and french bread. Even better, there was a person restocking the shelves with more bread.

“Thank God, it is snowing out there and I need to get some bread and milk. I guess I beat the crowd.” I timidly said to the bread stocker.

He looked up at me smirked and said, “Yea, the "CROWD". What part of the South are you from, son? “

I told him I moved up from Georgia as I scooped up several loaves of bread try to calculating the strength of the approaching storm. I then noticed people passing through the aisle and not even looking at the bread.   The helpful stock-boy interrupted my slowly developing revelation and point me toward the milk.

He tipped his purple Viking hat to me as I passed and said something that sent chills up my spine, “Here in the North we usually stock up on beer.”

DAMN IT! I yelled as I spun around and headed for the front of the store.

As I blew past the stock-boy once again he yelled, “Hey, you forgot your cart.”

So now I stand here with no bread, no milk and try to decide if the snow storm is a 12-pack or 24-pack. Oh, what the hell, I will take that 30-Pack!!!!!


Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow………………………………..

Minnesota Winters

I didn’t write this, I just wish I had……….


Dear Diary:

Aug 12 - Moved into my new home in Minnesota. It is so beautiful here. The hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree in my front yard. I can hardly wait to see the change in the seasons. This is truly God's Country.
Oct 14 - Minnesota is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I love all of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. I want to walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer. They are so graceful; certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on Earth. This must be paradise.
Nov 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and tranquility here in Minnesota. I hope it snows soon. I love it here!
Dec 2 - It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful sight: everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and swept the snow from the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing. We had a snowball fight. I won, and the snowplow came down the street. He must have gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I love it here!
Dec 12 - More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love it here!
Dec. 19 - More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work in time. I'm exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that snowplow!

Dec 21 - More of that white shit coming down. I've got blisters on my hands and a kink in my back. I think that the snowplow driver waits around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole!
Dec 25 - White Christmas? More freakin' snow! If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And why don't they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap??
Dec 28 - It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been inside since then, except of course when that SOB 'Snowplow Harry' comes by. Can't go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather man says to expect another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??
Jan   1 - Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the 4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and the shit head actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd broken 6 already this season.
Jan   4 - Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get some food and a goddamn deer ran out in front of my car and I hit the bastard. It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The hunters should have a longer season if you ask me.
Jan 27 - Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the front yard and it went through the roof. I should have cut that old piece of shit into fireplace wood when I had the chance.
Apr 23 - Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the whole underside of the car is rusted away from all of that damn salt they dump on the road? Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow shit.
May 10 - Sold the car, the house, and moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their freakin' mind would ever want to live in the God forsaken State of Minnesota